Friendly Advice

Often times we have close friends who get involved with "the wrong person" and wonder what  we can say or do to help them out. The question arises whether it would do any good or just let it play it's course. Timing can also be everything, as well as the type of person your particular friend assumes to be. A person's past experiences will also influence what decisions one may choice to follow, including good or bad examples presented to them by parents or guardians.

I've often seen young girls run to any guy,especially if she is from broken homes where there is no father figure. or is or feels ignored by someone who is taking her father's place. She has an emptiness in her life and she looks anywhere to get it filled. She quickly accepts the arms of older men to receive that missing attention, acceptance of who she is, with hopes of receiving adequate love and affection that will make her feel whole again.

What would you do if you were this girl's friend? Do you think it will last? I would say likely not. She will probably will go from guy to guy hoping to get fulfilled. She may have confused true love with physical affection from boys/men as the love she needs as she may never have been exposed to proper love and affection at home. Hence she may not know how to be treated right. She may even accept disrespect in order to get some kind of love or attention. If the guy suggests she move in with him, she may jump at the opportunity to leave her present situation of a broken family for one she feels needed and loved, a new life with just her and him. You as her friend must know that she must take a break from this guy and try to advise her with examples that living with a guy does not solve past problems nor sets the foundation of a respectful and lasting relationship. Ever hear the saying, " Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" Why would a guy be motivated and honored to have this girl by putting a ring on her finger if he can have everything for free, especially in this economy?

This girl needs some space and time to make an informed and wise decision. You perhaps can be a willing adviser and provide her with a face of encouragement to wait for the right man who knows how to treat her right.Let her know that you truly care about her and want what is best while at the same time keeping God's commandments. Let's keep in mind that Jesus and Mary are always there for us no matter what type of situation

                                                          WHETHER TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP

We often hear that a girl will decide to stay with a guy who may be troubled or have issues because she wants to help him get thru them. Furthermore, she also gives him what he needs because she feels it will help the relationship. She may even be afraid of him, and may possibly tell her close friends about this or not. In these instances, it may even be too late before others realize there is a bigger problem for their friend. This guy does not need to treat a girl like this at all. If he is having a problem in his personal life, he certainly should not be in a serious relationship. He will not be able to give the full and proper attention to her while dealing with his own issues at the same time.

A girl wants to find a nice guy who will treat her like a lady and eventually put a ring on her finger. A girl does not need to try and "save" a guy because "he needs me more than ever" or "he couldn't handle it if I left." A girl usually has a heart to help a guy out in need or in trouble, but oftentimes she will get hurt in the process and the guy never improves or becomes a better man. Rather he depends on her more and becomes a bigger burden than she bargains and may feel trapped and unhappy in the situation she is now in. He may also threaten her if she leaves. What an unhealthy relationship! I certainly wouldn't want a guy coming out of rehab. And I highly doubt that this will lead to a happy marriage.

Now, whose advice can one listen to while in a questionable relationship? Very often, it is one's close friends. Studies have shown that with a girl, her friends alone are a great judge of character and can predict if a relationship will last. A good friend's advice can be true but very hard to take, however. All my friends who advised me were right all along with regards to my boyfriends. They can see as bystanders and without an emotional connection the direction a relationship is heading.

So women should step back if a guy has too much on his plate. If he pushes or belittles her, all the more reason to step back or end the relationship. One can't solve other people's problems. I remember someone urging me to date someone because I could "save" him spiritually. I don't think I need to tell you that this made me very uncomfortable and was an immediate turn off.  I could "lead" him down the right path. God does not expect that of us girls. He does not expect us to be martyrs for guys. Maybe we can be friends but dating, certainly not now. A guy will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. Also, if she does not put up with his treatment of her sends a message that even if he has problems, he still has no right to put demands on a girl or abuse her in any way.

Remember, a healthy relationship is good grounds for a lasting one. A pure one is also a lasting one.

FRIENSHIP FIRST

When we see someone and there is an instant attraction, what should we do? That can depend on what sex you are. If a guy is attracted to a girl, he may want ask her out right away without thinking too much what type of girl she might be. Girls on the other hand may meet someone they like but traditionally don't ask the guy out; they wait to be asked.

If a girl really likes a certain guy, it is generally not prudent to tell him unless you have a very strong personal connection prior to that. Even then, imagine how awkward that can be, especially if it is not reciprocated! (Oddly enough, I was just talking to a friend where she and also a friend of hers approached their respective guy interests about their feelings and it was not reciprocated.)Relationships should never be rushed into. Any serious relationship should be taken with an open mind and a thoughtful course. A guy cannot move forward with a girl if he feels pushed, and I am sure he wants to think deep down it was his idea from the start. Guys very much enjoy the pursuit and may only enjoy the hunt, except for the popularity and fun in an unserious relationship. Again, a guy doesn't want a guy he can get too easily, thus the "hunt" is over.

It is very important that both girls and guys get to know each other first, that is being friends before advancing to boyfriend and girlfriend. How can a person truly love someone if they don't take the time to get to know them first? If you jump too quick into a serious relationship, you do not really know who you are dealing with and feelings take over and one gets blind to seeing all the qualities the other person has nor any of the particular flaws one may see too late to make a proper and well-thought decision in choosing a future mate.

In the Catechism, we learn that we are made to know, love, and serve God. We cannot love and serve God unless we know Him. So too in relationships, we must know someone first before we can truly love. We cannot love someone/something unless we know who or what it is. To know and learn about someone is a vital key.

Nor should girls play hard to get. Building a relationship is not a game. Honesty is vital to a good relationship. It is not helpful to continually tease a guy to keep him interested. It is childish and who knows how long you can keep that up. Moreover, the guy will not get to know you if he is always trying to figure you out and may eventually decide that you are a waste of time. A girl can have some mystery to her but she does not play games.

Lastly, let's proceed with a strong basis of friendship in our quest for the right mate. If a girl waits patiently and puts her trust in God, the right guy will ask her out when he is ready. Of course I would think it okay for the girl to give him a hint or two!

FRIENSHIP FIRST

When we see someone and there is an instant attraction, what should we do? That can depend on what sex you are. If a guy is attracted to a girl, he may want ask her out right away without thinking too much what type of girl she might be. Girls on the other hand may meet someone they like but traditionally don't ask the guy out; they wait to be asked.

If a girl really likes a certain guy, it is generally not prudent to tell him unless you have a very strong personal connection prior to that. Even then, imagine how awkward that can be, especially if it is not reciprocated! (Oddly enough, I was just talking to a friend where she and also a friend of hers approached their respective guy interests about their feelings and it was not reciprocated.)Relationships should never be rushed into. Any serious relationship should be taken with an open mind and a thoughtful course. A guy cannot move forward with a girl if he feels pushed, and I am sure he wants to think deep down it was his idea from the start. Guys very much enjoy the pursuit and may only enjoy the hunt, except for the popularity and fun in an unserious relationship. Again, a guy doesn't want a guy he can get too easily, thus the "hunt" is over.

It is very important that both girls and guys get to know each other first, that is being friends before advancing to boyfriend and girlfriend. How can a person truly love someone if they don't take the time to get to know them first? If you jump too quick into a serious relationship, you do not really know who you are dealing with and feelings take over and one gets blind to seeing all the qualities the other person has nor any of the particular flaws one may see too late to make a proper and well-thought decision in choosing a future mate.

In the Catechism, we learn that we are made to know, love, and serve God. We cannot love and serve God unless we know Him. So too in relationships, we must know someone first before we can truly love. We cannot love someone/something unless we know who or what it is. To know and learn about someone is a vital key.

Nor should girls play hard to get. Building a relationship is not a game. Honesty is vital to a good relationship. It is not helpful to continually tease a guy to keep him interested. It is childish and who knows how long you can keep that up. Moreover, the guy will not get to know you if he is always trying to figure you out and may eventually decide that you are a waste of time. A girl can have some mystery to her but she does not play games.

Lastly, let's proceed with a strong basis of friendship in our quest for the right mate. If a girl waits patiently and puts her trust in God, the right guy will ask her out when he is ready. Of course I would think it okay for the girl to give him a hint or two!

WHAT A GIRL WANTS

What type of guy are girls looking for? Girls will tell you they are looking for the "right guy" who ultimately will not leave them in the end. They are ideally looking for someone who will respect and love them as they would love to be loved and be able to portray that to others.

But oftentimes we see girls settle for just any guy for fear of being alone or fear of losing that certain person they are so desperately interested in. At times, they will do almost anything, even sinning, to keep in a relationship and find temporary happiness of which they hope it will last. There is no guarantee in any relationship that can secure it for sure, but there are some guidelines girls can follow in a relationship to see if the guy they are dating is spiritually right for them and moreover will keep them from having regrets now and in the future.

First of all, every girl wants LOVE. Isn't that what we live and thrive for?  We thrive on love. And we never want to have that feeling of being used, which is so commonly heard. One of the first questions girls should ask themselves should be whether this guy is interested in them or in pleasure of one's self. Does he want to do things that make you uncomfortable or does he respect your wishes? Does he really love me? What he says, "But everyone is doing it. Besides, I love you." What a shame. He certainly doesn't seem to want to please you or have any concerns about your feelings. This also tells her about the guy's character and how he will view you, if at all in the future or even with others. If a guy can't resist temptation now, I highly doubt he will when he is married; will he even be faithful? Also, if he can't wait to be intimate, then obviously it is lust, because lust can't wait but true love can.

Being physical with a guy is no guarantee that he will stay, much to the popular belief of many women. If a girl is suspicious that a guy will leave her unless he gets physical with her, then he is in it for the fun and can easily tire of her, and then it is onto a new women and new adventure. Maybe he is seeing more than girl at a time. Anyway, this guy is not for her. She has just been played.

In a relationship, a girl has a couple of options. She can give into the guy with hopes only that it will last combined with risk of being hurt, not to say she may be sacrificing her morals and ideals. Or she can follow her heart. She will do nothing that will make her uncomfortable or leave regrets. The guy will ultimately respect her, and even if he leaves, then he was not for her. Who wants a guy that is not for her and her wellbeing? I don't. Don't settle for lust. Pray for courage to do what is right, and ask for guidance from those you trust. Ask the Holy Family to help you. Grow in virtue. This often attracts the right guy and you will never find yourselves in the midst of men who don't feel the need to commit. If he occasionally disrespects you, then it is the highway for him and a new guy for you.

Well, I hope these guidelines help. Purity is important to grow in holiness and a very good prep for a good marriage in the eyes of God. The sacrifices we make before marriage will pay off in the future and get throughout our marriage life.

CHASTITY, LOVE, AND LUST

Some people will wait until marriage before having intimate relationships, but in the meantime, they will do everything else, meaning, not being completely chaste with the person they plan to marry. However, besides the fact that they will likely be breaking the sixth commandment, this choice maybe preventing us from realizing whether it is true love or not. True love and chastity actually go hand in hand. Often, physical "closeness" which is very strong, is mistaken for true love. Lust does draw two people together and the strong passion that evolves from it makes it hard to see if we truly love someone and truly want to sacrifice oneself for another. We all want to be loved, but I know many people who stay or jump in/out of a compromised situation so they are not lonely and do not feel pain. However being chaste will help us find true love.

When we are in love, we like to please the object of our affections. Some girls think that if we give a guy all he wants, he will love her. That is not so. True love demands a pure heart and intention. If we really love someone, we will do what is best for that person and not lead another and oneself into sin. So we must and should refuse intimacy until marriage following God's commandment and thus showing we truly care about the person we are interested in. It will build a better ground for future marriage whether it is this person or someone else. I remember a guy telling me that he loved me more because I refused to let him get too close. When one gets very close to another of the opposite sex, many a time it does eventually lead to sex and then it is too late. Often, doing everything except the marriage act often leads to boredom down the road and interest fades as soon there is nothing left to do and they forget to learn about the other person and enjoy that person as a person and grow in true love together. Also, one get sexually frustrated when all one is focused on is to do everything but sex and nothing up to it is satisfying oneself. When one does not follow the guidelines of purity, a feeling of guilt and remorse often ensues and the relationship often does not last or is miserable in the future because it was mainly based on feelings and pleasure.

When we have a crush on someone, we are normally blind to their faults or we refuse to see them when they are pointed out to us. The same is true with physical intimacy. We don't see the person; just see the pleasure in front of us. So it is very good to take a step back and look at the whole package. When we are out of a situation, we can easily look back and see how clean the experience was. Sometimes we stay in a relationship because we don't want the pain of loss or lose a person in our life.

Finally, true love is sacrificial love, not selfish. It is pure and considerate. It put's God and His laws first. It is also considerate of the other person, and helps the right two people to get together. It brings true happiness, unselfish. It also brings joy and peace.

Let's ask the Holy Family, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, to help us remain chaste and guarded in our quest for a future spouse!

WHAT KIND OF WOMEN DO MEN WANT?

That's a very good question many women will want to know and at times ask themselves when they are rejected. Every guy wants the perfect girl, often times that mean a girl that is not tainted or that has been with few men. Yet some don't mind messing with an easy girl, just as long as they have decided they have no plans to marry that girl. Guys often want a girl that is hard to get, as they like the challenge; a girl that is easy gets boring after awhile and they seem look elsewhere for a new pursuit. There are guys who try to sleep with as many girls as they can just for fun, and can boast about for the future (I am sure most girls don't want to end with a guy like that.)Some guys may think that it is a turn-off if a girl is still a virgin in her early adulthood. But a girl's virginity shows a lot of beauty in a girl, just like purity. Some people are either blind to beauty like that or just don't realize how precious a gift it is. In the traditional Catholic world, it is strongly encouraged and preached on as well as described. Purity of heart is also a great characteristic. True beauty is not skin deep, but stems from the inner soul. Virginity can only be given away once, so give to the one person you want to spend your life with.

A guy who is serious in looking for that special girl will look more at one who is pure and not desperate. He will admire one who knows what she wants and is willing to wait for the right guy. A guy wants a girl who is focused and not too emotional. He wants a girl who doesn't let her heart direct her or throws herself at a guy. Remember, we also want to marry someone we can get along with, not someone who has "experience". We want to give ourselves in marriage as unwrapped gifts to our spouses, not one opened or "recycled". Our spouses will appreciate this a lot more as it is more special when ones purity hasn't been tainted by others. There are usually problems after marriage if one partner has been with others. I read somewhere that with non virgin brides, the divorce rate is sixty percent.  A person who puts God first, has God on their side during their marriage life. We have the rest of our married life to get experienced in intimacy.

So if a guy doesn't choose you for a permanent partner, it may be for the best. That guy may not be the right fit for you. Yes we've heard that there are many fish in the sea. But in the traditional world, there aren't a lot of options. But it certainly is better not to be married than be married to the wrong guy. Let's be patient until the person we are meant to be with shows up!

PROPER MANNERS AND ATTITUDES IN DATING

How should we act when we see someone we are attracted to? Obviously, polite but let's see if this person is available first. Is she seeing someone else? If so, keep a good distance on friendly terms. Even if she is dating someone you are not impressed with, keep your cool and distance. Be a friend. If the person she is dating is unkind to her, you may tactfully say she deserves someone better as she is a special person, but only broach on this if it is wise and prudent. Some people, especially with women can take such advice the wrong way even though it was meant for her best interest.  A person should never try to "steal" another person's girlfriend/boyfriend. This is simply not charitable. You can only wait and see how it turns out, treat this person with kindness, and pray for what is best in God's eyes.

Now, let's look at our feelings towards others. What if you have feelings for someone who is unavailable, married or seeing other people? Is this a bad thing? Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean you feel God must want you to marry or go after that person. It is in our human nature to be attracted to beautiful or beauty. Even in marriage, we can run into someone we find beautiful and this is normal .The important thing here is what we do with those feelings, how are we going to react. If we are married, we do not leave our spouse, but rather thank God we are living the life he intended for us. Put your trust in God and be content. The grass is never greener on the other side; looks can be deceiving.

In dating, we are committed to one person. If we do not think it will lead to marriage, then it is best to part ways and look elsewhere. Hopefully it will not drag on forever. Some people know on the first date that it will last. Others need a little more time, but not normally years. Communication is very important. Trust is a must! With online dating sites, it is very important to give a clear picture of oneself; in fact it is good to literally have a picture on line (on a proper dating site such as this one) so you can find a better match. A picture can say a thousand words. I personally like books with pictures, as it helps with the imagination; so to on line. A person will stop at your site more quickly and read your profile when there is a picture to go with it.

Until next week.

To all my readers, thanks for the comments. To directly email me, my address is Melissa@tlmsingles.com

COMMITTED TO DATING

Have you ever known someone especially a married woman who was aware of her husband's affair but puts up with it to keep appearances and in hopes of not losing him? The guy's affair progresses and he loses all respect for his wife because she does not demand the respect and commitment in their marriage that is owed her. She is treated poorly because she allows it. She really needs to give her husband an ultimatum and not lose her dignity in this situation. Let him know she is aware of what is going on and if he prefers the other woman, let him go and if he can't decide she will make a decision to leave and not stand by and watch. Of course, you are also using the guidance of the priest!

So there is a very similar attitude while dating. It should be one hundred percent commitment or nothing. If either party wants to see other people, each should have the decency to tell the other and not play the "sneaking around" game. However, if a person has not committed to see another solely, he is not doing anything wrong. The other party may not like it, but this often happens when people say, "We are sort of seeing each other." Sounds pretty wishy washy, doesn't it? Two parties must talk and get their feeling out before dating exclusive or seeing others before someone gets hurt.

If a girl say," We have a thing, but he's not really my boyfriend," then there is no commitment. A good relationship is not "This thing we have."She may even go so far as to say, "I don't know if we are really dating.""We have this understanding." Sounds more like a future affair to me. It does not lead to marriage, but a never ending hope that doesn't get realized. A guy can drag a girl along "with hope." He can even get her "the promise ring" but an engagement never seems to surface. She assures herself," But I have this ring." Yes, that will keep you quite for awhile.

Well, back to commitment. If a girl is seeing this guy but he cannot decide if he likes her or this other girl but he still wants to keep the door open with you, then she should make the decision that he can only see her exclusively and not just as a good friend. Have some respect left for oneself. He needs to end whatever is going on with someone else and deserve you. I would, however, not take him back so easily. Make him work for it! If he hangs around long enough, he might be worth keeping around. Guys may feel it is not so bad if he hurts your feelings again because the door was always open when he walked thru it the last time. They need to knock first and then patiently wait for it to reopen. Trusting this guy may take awhile in coming. Anyone who breaks a commitment has a tendency to repeat. You don't know if it will happen again. I know it's hard when you like this guy so much; it's easy to overlook their indiscretions. The guy can say he's sorry all he wants and when she takes him back, it happens all over again. What a cycle! Honesty is so important in a relationship.

I know some girls that jump from guy to guy. That is no true relationship. Sounds more like a pattern. It may feel fun to be "in love", but not with any particular person they are with. She may just not want to be alone. I know a girl that the max in which she wasn't dating anyone was two weeks. If two people just broke up, use caution before dating the man/women; find out why they broke up as this can provide some insight on a person's character.

In summary, let's be serious and honest in dating. Let's be committed!

THE GOOD SHIP: COURTSHIP

A priest once gave me some guidelines with dating/courting .He says that you are on a journey, a voyage to be exact. Imagine being on a fabulous ship on a cruise. The ship's name: Courtship. This boat has three levels of different descriptions and designs. You can go back and forth from one level to the next by going up or down the steps. The different levels complement each other and can overlap.

 The first level is CLEAN. Here you may date someone who is free to date, which is not presently married to someone else or may have any vows of chastity from which a person has not yet been released. Both parties' intentions should be pure. Neither party should try to get intimately involved before marriage. Many young girls think that a physical relationship secures the guy. Unfortunately, when the physical in the relationship progresses and dominates, the emotional, social, and most importantly, the spiritual aspects suffer and fail to grow. Again, purity of heart.

The second level is CATHOLIC. The person you are dating should also be a Catholic. Having the same Catholic values helps one hundred percent in embarking down the important path of marriage on the road to heaven, because you are not alone but with your mate, and plants a firm basis for the children to come. You will be able to help each other and your family reaches the same goal: being forever to love, honors, and serve God in heaven.

 The third level is COURTEOUS. A guy needs to put the girl's concerns before one's own. A girl needs to respect guy's attempts to please her and allow him to be gentlemanly with her. Good manners are a must. If a guy is only interested in just getting intimate with a girl, he certainly is not planning on guarding her heart with his life. So if and when a guy gets just what he wants, boredom and emptiness follows as well as his attitude that he does seem to not know the girl or ignores her as if she does not exist. He may also put the blame on her and states it is her fault as she should have been the main one to prevent relationships from getting too close. The marital act is the result of total commitment, and not a way to keep a guy interested.

So why not take this journey and walk on board of each of the three floors of the Courtship. IT can prove to be very rewarding and help to avoid a lot of heartache. Let's ask Our Lady and Our Lord to help us in our endeavors.