DATING TECHNIQUES

With the start of any relationship, the question arises as to where this is heading. Hopefully it is towards marriage as that is the main reason to date in the first place. It is very important to build a good friendship before proceeding to the romance. With new encounters, it is usually exciting and adventurious, and couples often spend late hours talking or texting on the phone or internet. There is so much to learn about each other, what interests, what experiences, what goals and ambitions, or what hobbies either has to share. Some couples dive into sports, politics, and even religion. Each other's spiritual aspects are also covered. Chastity will be a huge issue that will come up, and emotions can run very high; so both couples must keep themselves  in check as interests builds up. It is best to take one's time with the love game, so love can grow healthy at a good pace. Allow trust to grow and become strong.

Keep the relationship godly. Progress together without reprimanding each other, but encourage towards proper goals. Compliment one another. Can suggest going to mass together, or even holy hours as well as evening walks, going to plays, or involve yourselves in games. Occasional prayers for each are also good ideas. Say the rosary. Praying for the same intentions is another option.

Keeping the family updated is also a good move. Involving them is even better. Parents have years of wisdom and advice along the way. They may also see something in your date, whether it be a characteristic or a habit, to bring to your attention, good or bad, that you may not have seen or overlooked. Your relatives know you best. Your parish priest may also give some light on either party. Well, he should, since he may be at your wedding someday!

It is probably best not to verbalize immediately you want to marry the other person just after meeting them, as this can easily scare them away or cause panic if they are not emotionally ready. Again, the relationship should not move too fast. You certainly don't want to be a bother, and call so much that the other person either gets tired of you or doesn't have space to breathe. Give each other space. Respect for each other and show confidence paves the way for a healthy and progressive relationship. Get interested in activites and interests outside of romance, as this helps with self control and good discipline before and after marriage. It is still very true that men don't want an easy target as they easily get bored and move on, in addtion to losing respect for such women. It is also believed women don't want a guy with one goal in mind.

In closing, let's work to improve our lives living the commandments of God and kindness to our neighbour.

THE DATING SCENE

What is the dating scene like nowadays? I would say it can be pretty hectic, depending on how you look at it. You can meet someone almost anywhere, at church gatherings, parties, even at Barnes and Nobles or Chapters. A quick pickup can be had at cocktail hour in any restaurant lounge or the local bar. Some people have even met their spouses on plane trips. I know a guy who wanted to meet a steady girl by joining the local salsa dance class and it worked for him. The person you may end up with can be right in front of you but you just haven't noticed yet. My great Aunt saw this guy at a train station and she really wanted to get his attention. He failed to notice her; so when he went by her, she tripped him. Obviously, they had to meet then. How did it end? They later married.

Now, what about yourself? Well, it depends on how you want to go about it. Some people don't want to leave town, even less communicate on line. Long distance relationships can be hard to deal with. You also never know if they are seeing someone else at the same time. Or if they are totally committed to you. Distance can either bring you closer, as according to the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or it will be "Out of sight,very likely out of mind."

Many people are looking to date many people, or one after the other. Here, they are just looking for a good time and no sign of commitment.They may never find true love or happiness because they looked only to please themselves and not for the good of another. It will be just to bad for anyone who falls for such a person, as it is a loosing battle to think you could have that person all to yourself. Some people do this also because they are too afraid to commit. They would like to be free, or they are afraid to get hurt either again or from what they have seen from viewing it in others. But love can't be gotten without a price, without trying. Love is work. We were not made to love ourselves but to love others, and true happiness comes from giving.

Then why should we date? We want to find a good spouse someday, the right spouse to help ourselves and others to get to heaven. Let's not waist our time by just dating. Lets strive to meet the right person.

FEAR

Some people are afraid of getting married for this or that reason. Some feel if divorce runs in their family, it will happen to them too. This instance would be a natural feeling and such people in a family of divorce need a little more encouragement and support if they choose to marry the person they are dating. There also needs to be a positive trend that marriage can work in such a family, and show that this is not a genetic trait. IT's a choice.

If you are dating someone, you certainly are looking to see if this other person is the one for you, otherwise one should not date. Of course, if you have a religious calling, you would not date, but focus on serving God. On the other side, one should not run to the convent to avoid confrontation of a possible  marriage union, just because it ended with those you know. A lot of people nowadays just give up, not try to make the marriage work or ask God's help. They go on their feelings and let that dictate their actions even if there is no real difficulty in the marriage state. "I've changed," or so they say.

In order for a marriage to work, the dating needs to be spent on marriage preparation, not totally wedding planning. Discipline is the key;thorough planning leads the way. We need to practice virtue in order for a good marriage to last. For example, in a race, one has had to practice many hours before the big day in order to have any hope of winning. One also needs to know what he is up against, who his oponents are, his strenghts and weaknesses. So too in marriage planning, we need to practice all the virtues necessary to succeed in a healthy marriage. We need to be pure of heart, honest with our fiance/future spouse, true to one person, and considerate of one another. If we excel in these steps, marriage will flow smoothly and will last. Just like a race, if we don't get ready, we won't make it, and we can blame no one but ourselves for failure, as only we can make it with our efforts and God's help. If we know our weaknesses, we will avoid what does not help us succeed and avoid any temptations or people that will lead us astray.

There is also a fear,"What if this is the wrong person?" Well, we should calmly and carefully choose our partner. Ask the advise of family and friends.Ask the priest.Then make a decision. Marriage is a leap of faith, but should be a well-thougth out one.

So if marriage is for you, jump! You won't be alone. Ask Jesus and Mary and St. Joseph to help you.

Melissa

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION

Is physical attraction essential in a relationship?  Well, it certainly helps, and I would not date someone I was not attracted to physically. I'm sure God does not want us to marry someone we thought was ugly in our eyes. God wants us to be attractive to somebody if we are to get married. However looks should not be everything, as this will fade with time, and if you base everything on looks, there will be nothing left when it is gone. If you find your dates has an imperfection, you probably may become very disappointed, but look at youself as well.You likely have flaws too, and either didn't notice or won't admit to it. Everyone has some kind of defect. You will never find the perfect person, and if you do, you just haven't seen it yet. Looks can certainly be deceiving. A person can be nice to your face, but hide something underneath and you may not really know the person you are with. Unfortunately, decisions can be unwisely made when distracted by beauty and fun. A guy is wrong to wait for a hot babe without looking for some substance and integrity from such a girl. So too, a girl  should not take up with a hunk if she first does not check his character and morals. Proceed cautiously and find out the true beauty beneath the mask.

We also don't want the right person to walk by. That person might be just in front of you and you didn't notice as you were distracted by someone else or a passing fling. God will put the right guy or girl in front of you when He feels the time is right. I highly doubt you have to go far out of your way.

 Also, if the relationship is based on physical pleasure, the relationship will end when there is no more pleasure or it becomes lukewarm and cold. A relationship should be grounded on faith and morals; this way it will last as well as being very spiritually healthy. We need to be attracted to a person's soul. Look at the person's older relatives; your date is probably like one of them.

I saw a show recently where there was a contest for a beautiful person. People came well dressed or fancy dressed acccording to their taste, but what they didn't know, was that they were being judged not just beauty on the outside but more importantly on their inner beauty. For instance, were they honest when the cameras were rolling but they didn't know someone was watching? Did they help someone who was in need, by helping get the door opened for a old lady who couldn't, or did they assisted a person to find a lost wallet who needed help. Would they steal if it would help improve their chances to win? All these tests helped to eliminate the bad fruit from the good and end up with a person of true inner beauty.

So too, look beyond the initial attraction and see if this person is right for you. Is he honest, kind, and God-fearing? Does he or she have true inner beauty?

MARRIAGE PLANNING PART THREE 

When two people get together, they form a team and should have one goal in mind--to serve God more effectively. This way they advance in their spiritual lives and please God at the same time. Unity breeds harmony. Harmony brings peace and order. Trust in God and ask His help before proceeding with caution. Choose wisely. Weight the pros and cons, pray on it, and then make your move. Proper consideration before a jump into marriage is a well-thought leap of faith. You won't totally know the person you are about to marry until the rest of your life unfolds.(It may take a whole lifetime to get to know one another!) But do your best to get to know something important about each other before you do. Marriage can be compared to buying a car; you can take it out on a date, but until you buy it and take it home,  you won't get to know fully how it works and operates on a daily basis. Marriage ia a life long committment. You will eventually notice each others weaknesses and strengths, habits and manners. You may get some surprises! But also some disapointments that both should work on resolving or accepting,depending on what it is. Remember to always ask God's help. Prayer and the sacraments should be a top priority as well as responsibility to each other and future children should take presidence.

Consider also what your family and close friends have to say. They know you more than anyone about your mood swings, your habits, your likes and dislikes, your hopes and dreams, your temperament, and maybe even a few well-kept secrets. They can certainly guide you on the right path, and give you a feeling if you both are ready or even compatible. The priest will also give you advice on this matter as long as you tell him all the facts he needs to know in order to guide you adequately thru the path of love.

So what about when the going gets rough? Is the marriage over? Is the romance gone? Well, marriage is not a fairytale that many will and do think. True love grows over time. Some people think it is over when the honeymoon fades. Well that honeymoon doesn't last for many and one should hopefully not jumped into marriage thinking that it will be a dream. Love grows with giving and prayer goes with sacrifice. From thence will the reward of a growing love and a true satisfaction blossom. True love will only be realized when it is tested. Infatuation will fade and reality always sets in. When we find a fault or defect in another, we should not get too upset or discouraged. We should not try to change a person from who he or she is to what we want in an ideal but accept and work to make life better for both. Remember the perfect man/woman does not exist in reality. That is an idea, a concept. We married a person we were interested in and not a robot who can't think. Work together, work for God and family.

In closing, lets look at marriage as a joint effort on this path to heaven!

Melissa

MARRIAGE PLANNING PART TWO

Continuing off from last week, prior to a wedding, there are some discussions between both parties before that important step. What are each other's goals in marriage? Have you discussed children? How many are we hoping for? If these numbers aren't right, there could be some surprises. Do you agree on education, hopefully a Catholic one, and where would you send them to school? Is homeschooling an option? What about immunizations? There are mixed reviews on this, and many, including my brother-in-law and sister-in-law hadn't thought about it until they had kids and noticed they disagreed had diferent views. And where would you live? (My husband and I are still working on that one!) Some women don't want to leave the town where they lived and grew up. Some still want to be near their parents. Have you thought about what if a job separated both of you for some time? Would either party be okay with that?Can you handle long distances or separations? It is hard if one is especially in the army/navy/air force, or for that matter, Iraq.

Money is another huge issue in a marriage. Many traditionals feel it is okay to be poor, and God will provide. Well, maybe it is okay for you, but for providing adequately for a wife and kids, you need to rethink this. Education is also not cheap. God expects us to do our part for our family. He does not want idle subjects, but He wants us to labour for our kids with His blessing. You certainly don't want to be a burden to someone else, and how can you help others and the Church if you don't take the means to provide and then some for yourself and family. You never know when emergencies come up. Money always helps. There is always alot more stress when the father doesn't have enough money coming home. The wife may need to get an outside job, and the children may suffer from neglect or attention. Even the Bible advices proper preparation before marriage.

Our Catholic faith is very important in our step to marriage. It is best if both parties are Catholic (and traditional!) in order to have a similar ground for building a family. Marriage can be hard enough without having diference of opinion on matters of faith. The Catholic Church frowns very much on mixed marriages as the risk of the married spouse loosing his/her faith is great and the children don't have both parties to totally guide them in the right direction. Sure, the non-Catholic may promise to raise the kids Catholic but even the Catholic party may get lukewarm and nothing for the child's Catholic upbringing gets done. This is a serious matter, especially if a soul eternity can be at stake. On the upside, the non-Catholic can convert, and all is well. (My father-in -law is an example). But it takes time and prayer.

In closing, communication is a great key before marriage.Talk to your fiance about important matters before the big day. It will save a lot of headache in the future!

Til next week

Melissa

MARRIAGE PLANNING PART ONE

Deciding to get married is a very important step and time in your life. There are many questions we should ask ourselves before embarking on this journey for when we say

 "I do", there really is no turning back. First, we should make sure this is what God wants, not just what we want, and thru prayer, the sacraments, and advice from our confessor and family, we will have our answers in time. Also,

 we should be certain we have no religious calling.(People can still make it thru marriage even if they had a religious vocation,

 but it will be more difficult). It would be good to spend some time in church just speaking to Our Lord about what we would want, and dream, and hope for, all in His good time, before picking a mate. God hears and will answer our prayers on what is best for us, and probably better than we could have hoped for,if we had looked around on our own. This will put God as

number one in their lives. Many people so often make decisions and choices on their own and then

later, much later, they will ask for God's help maybe when they have time or when the going gets rough.Or they may think of Him only when they about to take their vows in hopes for the blessing for themselves

and their future.

Many people get tied up in the whole wedding thing. We need to get the perfect dress, a great setting for a reception, a gettaway honeymoon, maybe even win "couple of the year" prize. But foremost, we need to get the "right spouse." Sure, we want that person to be perfect and great, the best of bunch,

 the envy of the town. But is this person a good friend? Will he or she stand by you in good or bad. Do you feel close to this person, and I don't mean physically. How well do you know him or her? It's best not to be intimate now. Why? Many reasons, and this is besides the fact that it is a sin before marriage. There is plenty of time to be intimate after the wedding. Also, when two people are physically involved, judgement of the other person is cloudy and it really hard to stand back and evaluate them and see any flaws or view their

character when you are right up in the other person's face.

Next, we should figure out why we want to be together. Is it for selfish reasons? Hopefully it is not because we are lonely or just want someone to cook for us. Nor should it be for material gain. It should not just for pleasurable experiences, for that may not last and people tend to move on to "new experiences." What brings you both together? There should be some kind of romantic feelings. Here, I don't mean infactuation of the other person. Look at this other person. Do you really like him/her? And how do you both act if there is a disagreement. Do we have anger issues that need to be checked before marriage? Can we compromise for the better, and to please the other?

The thought of marriage is certainly, hopefully,

going to make us think before we take action.

Until next week.

Melissa

AFTER A BREAKUP

Breakups are hard, even if you have been going out for a short time. I'm sure you are someone you know has been through this ordeal. No one has to ask you how you are feeling now that you are no longer in a relationship. Most people are either upset, angry, maybe even relieved at the same time. At times, we may even ask God why it could have happened or what we could have done to prevent this. Our world may feel like it coming to a halt: the future may look very bleak.

First of all, we should be aware that God will not abandon us. We're not alone in this. There is a very good reason for what happens and it is really for the best. We really need to understand that God knows what is best for us even thoug we may think that we know better. I remember a friend telling me after a breakup, "I just can't live without him; I simply can't survive. He is my omly friend; my best friend. I don't know if I will make it." (Well, when I heard that, I made sure to tell her she would make it and that God was there to help her). In time, she was able to move on and in time very quickly forgot the old flame.(She is with someone new as we speak).

This is also the perfect time thank God for all He done for us. Yes, this is a perfect time, even when times are tough and our world is inside out. For example, look at Job in the Old Testament, where everything was taken away and yet he did not blame God. His predicament ending up being a test of loyalty to God, wherein he was rewarded with more than he had had before. We also need to remember that we must not put everything into another human being, of whom can easily be taken away. True peace of soul is in God alone and without Him, we will never be fully satisfied. Many times, we put someone or something in place of Him, forgetting Him, and when things go wrong, we become very unhappy and distraught. Never forget that Jesus is our everything.So many times people are so taken up with relationships that they forget the most important relationship of all, with God, who should be the first and foremost centre of our hearts.

So lets give God our free time in prayer and thanks. Again, He knows what is best for us. Trust in Him. Also, let's offer up our sufferings of loneliness, the breakup, or any pains we are going thru, to God in prayer, by adding it to the sufferings of Jesus Christ. This may well help save many souls! Deo Gratias!

BREAKUP OR NOT: PART TWO

Well, to continue from last week, we were discussing if and when we should stay in a relationship and proceed to marriage. It does depend on the situation. Some women stay in compromised situations for fear that if they let him go, love is lost forever. But what kind of healthy and happy relationship are they hanging onto? Certainly the spiritual future does not look bright.

If there are serious issues on the part of either, these will not go away by the time marriage comes around. Nor should one plan on getting married just yet. If the other party does not respect the other when approached, then don't assume that will change in the future. If there is no effort to resolve major issues, then don't hang on too long for your date to change things for the better with a push from you. He or she should be doing this more so on their own drive and motivation, followed your encouragement and support.

In the end, whatever your decision is, it should be a solid one. If you go back and forth, that just prolongs the agony. If you decide to separate, either that person you are dating will come back if it is meant to be, or you will move on at a decent pace. One should not jump right back into the next relationship too quickly when recovery from the last one has not been completed. Nor should one take back the previous date too soon even if there are signs of change and improvement on the part of the date. It may just be temporary and not a true change of heart. Always, in these situations, ask God's guidance in making the wise decision, look for what you truly want in a spouse, realize the reasons you may have ended a relationship in the first place, ans stick to your plan to find the right spouse for you.

If either party decides to be just friends, it will be imposible if either one is still romantically attached to the other. Space is needed for now, and maybe there is hope for friendship in the future, but not the near future. The relationship will only drag out since we don't want to let go and this will destroy any  future "friendship" we can hope to have. Just let go.

Just keep in mind, Jesus and Mary are always there to help and guide you. Prayer will help us hear Our Lord speak. Live purely and keep an open mind to who is out there.

BREAKUP OR NOT?

This question can be applied to both parties while in a relationship and decisions are to be made. When does one know that one must and should break up with the person one is dating?

Well, for starters, we should ask ourselves a few questions that should have positive answers. In all cases we must ask if this relationship is bringing us closer to God. If not, it will not end up in a holy marriage. Can you see yourself marrying the other person? It really would help if you had some chemistry and common interests. However, one doesn't have to like everything the other person has interests in to make it work. Faithfulness is another question to ask. If one is not true to the persons being dated, very likely will not be in the future, as old habits die hard. Would he a good parent for your children and would you be happy if they were like him? again, these questions are very important in your progress of a future mate.

Between you and your date, does the other person help you to be the person you hoped to be? Are you happy about where you are at with your date? In other words, does he or she bring out the best in you? Would you say this relationship is healthy from all aspects,that being emotionally, physically, pyscologically, and spiritually? IS there respect for purity from your date? Does your date love God more than just having fun or pleasure in the moment? A good question to ask is if there are any bad habits, like alcoholism, drugs, or pronography interests. Those habits are both sinful but also hard to curb quickly. Your parents should also like the person, and your date should ideally bring you closer to them and your friends.

IF most or all of these questions produce a "yes",then there is no serios reason to break up. If you are still unsure, then ask the advice of family, friends, and especially a priest before making any important decision. If there are difficulties, this does not mean you need to break things off. It happens often for couples to end their relationships when things are hard. But this is where, if an issue arises, you need to decide if it can be resolved or does it merit an end to a relationship. Again, the advice of your confessor, or family, or close friends will help. If there is something you cannot deal with, you may have to walk away. But always ask God to help you. Turn to the Blessed Virgin in prayer. You don't need to figure everyting out on your own.

Sometimes, one does need time apart and this is okay. If this person is meant to be, he or she will come back to you.

Prayer is a great key in your decision making process. Use it!